THE IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS - Not Your Favorite Jazz Band

Let me find the funny side here, for therapeutic purposes.
Turns out the frustration I've encountered more frequently since I had kids, well, that frustration is all my fault. Because I set impossible standards for myself. So without further adieu, here those are, numbered in hopes that I'll get a dollar for each and skip ahead on the path to filthy rich.

1. CLICHES. I said, 'without further adieu' up there. Purposely, so I'd have a nice segue. But cliches are to be avoided at all times. I studied language, for Christ's sake.

Chili, homemade. Wholewheat crackers. Standard No. 2.

2. NUTRITIONAL standards: for the kids and me. (Due to repeatedly recalcitrant reactions, the husband has been taken off that list, I'm afraid.)
3. HEALTH. Eat well, so you'll live forever. And don't get sick in the process. A flu? That's unfortunate. You'll get even less done!
4. While you bring the kids to bed, meditate (Inner peace! BE PEACEFUL!). You shouldn't be on your phone. Although it's made you much more patient. But it's really fake patience, isn't it?
5. Be more PATIENT. Now, you are fairly patient. But there is always room for more.
6. PLAY with the kids more, as in: more actively than, "I'll have coffee and read TIME magazine in your room while you play."
7. READ only stuff that will improve your life. Gardening, parenting books and magazines are permissible. Current events, because it's good to:
8. KEEP UP the mind as you did in those college days. What, no time to read newspapers? That's no excuse.
9. Don't watch TV ever when the kids are awake.
10. The older kid can watch max 2 hours per day, of selected shows, but preferably not at all. If he watches, you MUST use that time for things you couldn't otherwise do, i.e. bookkeeping (ACCELERATED PRODUCTIVITY).
11. If you must watch TV, iron or fold laundry while you do it. At least knit or crochet, for we all know that idle hands are the devil's workshop. ( --> CLICHES, --> ACCELERATED PRODUCTIVITY)

A rare evening where all the toys are picked up. In this room.
Standard No. 12.

12. Where would all those knit blankets even go? Doesn't matter, at least you didn't waste your time relaxing. What, the kids will use those blanket in play, so why even bother? Because here's another standard for you: have the HOUSE LOOK NICE at least 80% of the time. (Reality: 10-20% of the time.) (And in case this was in question: "nice" means "magazine-ready," down to the vase with disproportionately large, cut greenery which will start dropping leaves the first day. And pick those up!)
13. GARDEN. No one should be paid to take care of your garden. The husband mows and trims the trees, you do everything else. What, you have no time to water, plant and keep order on half an acre? Well, I don't give a shit.
14. Grow your own VEGETABLES. You're trying to save money for retirement and aforementioned rich-filth status, so you buy pesticide instead of organic. Consequently, you should at least grow your own organic vegetables. All right, I'll give you a break on the asparagus because it takes three years from seed. But what, you didn't even start it this year? That'll add another year!
15. Have the kids in bed like clockwork (--> CLICHES) every night and for nap. Sure, you like to be off early, but that's only part of the reason. If they go to bed late, they should make up for it in naptime the next day. Then you can make up for the time missed getting stuff done last night.
16. Speaking of saving money, you must not ever incur a late fee or pay interest. And you must save for retirement. And avoid frivolous expenses. L'Oréal LUMI because you read a good review, are you shittin' me? Bring that back. $12.
17. If you could spend no more than $100 on CLOTHES for yourself per year, that would be great. Your feet don't grow anymore and you're not of a nomadic tribe, so shoe - wise you really should be all set until death.
18. Death. Life insurance. I can't believe you guys still don't have life insurance, you've GOT to get on that!
19. Speaking of organization, you should photo and upload all important DOCUMENTS sometime.
20. Speaking of, how's that scrapbooking of the family vacations going? And the yearly PHOTObooks? You know, they will be yearly once you start the first and then catch up the last four years.
21. The baby is already asleep on your arm right now, why are you still sitting in the dark? Writing a blog post? Need I remind you of the kitchen, the laundry room, the toys that surely need to be picked up somewhere?

Thank you, that'll be $21.
(Now invest that wisely. Because you're also taking care of your retirement fund.)

Let's look at what I let slip, because it's too low on the priority list:

- organizing photos. I'm making memories. Forgetting memories, sure. But also trying not to heap on more here.
- dusting and mopping. Spot-cleaning, sure. But I can only recommend a) looking to the heavens (so you don't see those spots) and b) aggregate flooring (because it is very forgiving, visually)
- exercising. I carry kids, groceries, pick up toys, clean occasionally. I'm good. You know what I also am? Not the very first to go in a famine.